This is a line of sorts in the sands of time because this blog post divides my past from my future. I suppose it can't really be that clearcut because it is still me living on both sides of the line--but it is a very different 'me' who steps forward to my future.
The last post I made was over a year ago and before that there were occasional smatterings of thoughts. I built this website and blog to step into my future, but I had too much baggage to successfully navigate that transition. I kind of knew that but God really understood--because my story was not a secret hidden from the mind of God. It was only a secret hidden from my mind.
As I have reworked the pages available at Janyne.org, it is very clear that my original creation was my last glorious attempt at living above something I never understood. I think this is what we, as Christians, are told to do. "Your past is forgiven. Leave it behind. Trust God for your future." Sounds absolutely correct doesn't it? I believed it for as long as I can remember. The problem is that it misses the point. What point? You and I are the sum total of our experiences--even those experiences our minds refuse to allow us to remember. We can't leave our past behind! We are our past!
Our minds are an amazing creation. The mind is all about survival. It will do whatever it takes to survive. In order to do this, it has to suppress feelings. We are told that our feelings are the enemy, you know. Not too long ago I visited a church and heard a whole sermon on this. "Don't trust your feelings!" Well, maybe we shouldn't completely trust and live by them, but we certainly should listen to them! Feelings were created by God to inform us. I thought feelings were my enemy. My childhood trauma (explained in part at Janyne.org) made all feelings my enemy. It seemed to be in line with what I had been taught.
Page after page of my original content was for the purpose of proclaiming the power of the mind to help us live above those pesky feelings that seek to defeat us. I am a bit embarrassed by this, but it was how I figured out how to survive. I Think. I Can (which was the original theme) is exactly how I survived and appeared to thrive--until it wasn't working so well anymore. You may be able to repress memories, but the feelings of turmoil never go away unless healed. That is when God prompted me to go to therapy. It was time to stop repressing my past.
Now after a two-year process of intense therapy and healing, it is time to draw this line in the sands of time and start my blog, website, and life anew. It was necessary to hide my truth in order to live my life, now it is necessary to share it in order to live my future--on mission.